Delayed Response

I find myself relaxing on the couch under my fleece blanket with a mug of hot chocolate, spiked with brandy and topped with marshmallows, watching Julie and Julia and wishing I were better at this blogging thing. I seem to have a lack of direction. Unlike Julie in Julie and Julia, which is a must see if you haven't yet, I do not have a specific purpose or theme to my writing. My previous blog was easy... I set it up while I was studying abroad to both share what I was up to and keep up with family and friends at home, so they didn't feel so far away and could get a peak into life overseas. It was so much fun to share the adventures of a four month semester in Switzerland and a truly once in a life time experience to share. What stands out in that phrase is "once in a life time"... what does one do on the everyday basis that is interesting enough to share? Life is certainly not boring, not lacking in adventure, it always keeps you on your toes, but I suppose our routines lack inspiration. If I am to try to blog more often, I suppose I should start with the everyday moments that leave an impact on me, no matter how tiny... it is the little things that matter after all...
For Valentine's Day I bought my husband a book/journal called "Q & A". It is a 3 year journal for two. Each day has a question or idea each person has to respond to each year for three years. We have obviously only just started, but I'm loving it so far. It is yet another way for us to connect each day whether the question is silly (like who blinked first in a staring contest) or very serious (like do you need to be comforted and how?). It is a way to ensure that every day, even when we hardly get to see each other, we are reflecting on our relationship as husband and wife and what makes us tick, what makes us connect and what makes us love each other so much. I can only imagine what it will look like in 3 years... I can only imagine what we will be up to in 3 years!!! I can only hope that each little sentence we add, no matter how silly or serious, brings a little inspiration to us both.

Failure to Blog

It was a dangerous plan to make my attempt at regular blogging going into one of the busiest times of the year at work. The 1st through 3rd of July are truly a whirlwind in the banking world, especially leading into the 4th of July and especially when its a holiday weekend and even more-so when there is a hurricane coming this direction for that particular holiday weekend. (Side note: I wish my husband hadn't been born on July 2nd right in the middle of these crazy bank days... couldn't he have come a week early or late?)

I am, however, determined to make my best attempt at this still.

My failure to blog coincides with feelings of failure. I feel like I'm working so hard in all aspects of my life and yet I feel that I am falling behind, not meeting my goals, not ever feeling good enough. I have moments of "this is silly" and I am being "stupid" by feeling this way and deep down feeling like shouldn't my best efforts be good enough. There is a tug-of-war in my mind on where I am going, what I am doing, how I am going to get there, how to feel good about what I am doing and how to have faith that it will all come together. I wish I could be happy-go-lucky and not worry and not let myself become stressed. I try to remind myself "you only live once so carpe diem!" but that is much, much easier said than done... like most everything...

I need to find my peace... not peace from others, not just calm around me... calm within me.

The Highs and Lows of Perfection

I have let my blog fall away from my list of priorities. I have let my constant strive for perfection inhibit my opportunity to share my thoughts, experiences, feelings and/or whatever I may have wanted to post because I'm so afraid of not having the right words to express myself and not always knowing what to say. I am scared of judgement if the words aren't just right and afraid that my blog will not "do anything for anyone" or inspire or influence anyone in any way.
Why am I so afraid? What could really in all seriousness go wrong? What should I care if the words I write aren't the most eloquent or exacting? As long as I am sharing, should it really matter? Probably not, but I am prone to perfection. It is both a boon and a burden. It helps me strive for the best and for success... it also limits me, as in if I can't do it 100 % right why do it at all, and results in anxiousness and stress if I am unsure if I am doing the right thing or did the right thing in the right way... whatever "right" is.
I have a hard time letting myself be wrong. I struggle with allowing myself to think that my best effort is good enough if my best effort is not perfect. In the back of my mind, I know its silly, I know I shouldn't worry if I've got everything just right, I know we all make mistakes and what is "perfect" really... This is all just much easier said than done.
This is a start to my effort to just share what is on my mind in a more organic way without worrying so much about the perfection of it. I will try to let myself share me. I will do my best to share in all honesty from my heart and mind, even when difficult to share with the world.
Let's see how this goes...

From Mind to Paper

I've always wanted to write a children's book... at least just one if not more. I always have thoughts of grandeur that I will discover a character in my imagination that will have all these beautifully, fun scenarios which would flow onto paper (or keyboard) and become a fantastic book children will fall in love with, with characters they can't resist. Some how I work up all these ideas in my head but when it comes to recording them, nothing comes out... I don't know how to begin. Like my blog, it goes by the wayside because I feel I have nothing important to say or exciting to write about or create. So how does one even begin writing a book? Is there a formula? Is it all at once or jumps around and somehow comes together in pieces. I have a feeling there is no one rule... and for everyone that it is a whole different process, so an intangible art form in the beginning that one hopes can become tangible through the book itself... eventually...

The Un-Tellable

If only I could blog about my work. Its confidential nature prohibits it, but the stories are endless and from very challenging... to crazy... to amazing!
I love my job... its ups, downs, helping others, learning new things every day, feeling that you are making a difference in lives every single day and really helping people meet financial goals and thus emotional and life goals to follow. There is no better feeling than making that long term difference in someone's life! I wish I could share the special moments, highs and lows and true day in the life of the banker.

Past, Future and In-Between

Have you ever looked at someone, even a complete stranger, in their "old age" and thought...
What were they like when they were young? What kind of child were they? Did they grow up in the "in" crowd, or were they a loner? What were their hobbies? Were they busy or quiet? How much has changed since they were a child?
What made them the way they are today?

Have you ever seen a little child playing or baby in their parents arms and thought...
What are they to become? How will they change the world? What challenges will they encounter and what victories and accomplishments will they fulfill? Will they have families of their own? Where are they going and what will the future bring to them? What will change in their lifetime?

I know I have.

In the beginning of the blog

blog:
"online journal where an individual, group, or corporation presents a record of activities, thoughts, or beliefs. Some blogs operate mainly as news filters, collecting various online sources and adding short comments and Internet links. Other blogs concentrate on presenting original material. In addition, many blogs provide a forum to allow visitors to leave comments and interact with the publisher. "To blog" is the act of composing material for a blog. Materials are largely written, but pictures, audio, and videos are important elements of many blogs. The "blogosphere" is the online universe of blogs." -Encyclopedia Britannica

I have been inspired and driven by unknown ambition to begin a blog. I do not yet know what I have to bring to the world of the e-journal forum, but hope that with time it finds inspiration and a sort of life of its own.