Failure to Blog

It was a dangerous plan to make my attempt at regular blogging going into one of the busiest times of the year at work. The 1st through 3rd of July are truly a whirlwind in the banking world, especially leading into the 4th of July and especially when its a holiday weekend and even more-so when there is a hurricane coming this direction for that particular holiday weekend. (Side note: I wish my husband hadn't been born on July 2nd right in the middle of these crazy bank days... couldn't he have come a week early or late?)

I am, however, determined to make my best attempt at this still.

My failure to blog coincides with feelings of failure. I feel like I'm working so hard in all aspects of my life and yet I feel that I am falling behind, not meeting my goals, not ever feeling good enough. I have moments of "this is silly" and I am being "stupid" by feeling this way and deep down feeling like shouldn't my best efforts be good enough. There is a tug-of-war in my mind on where I am going, what I am doing, how I am going to get there, how to feel good about what I am doing and how to have faith that it will all come together. I wish I could be happy-go-lucky and not worry and not let myself become stressed. I try to remind myself "you only live once so carpe diem!" but that is much, much easier said than done... like most everything...

I need to find my peace... not peace from others, not just calm around me... calm within me.

The Highs and Lows of Perfection

I have let my blog fall away from my list of priorities. I have let my constant strive for perfection inhibit my opportunity to share my thoughts, experiences, feelings and/or whatever I may have wanted to post because I'm so afraid of not having the right words to express myself and not always knowing what to say. I am scared of judgement if the words aren't just right and afraid that my blog will not "do anything for anyone" or inspire or influence anyone in any way.
Why am I so afraid? What could really in all seriousness go wrong? What should I care if the words I write aren't the most eloquent or exacting? As long as I am sharing, should it really matter? Probably not, but I am prone to perfection. It is both a boon and a burden. It helps me strive for the best and for success... it also limits me, as in if I can't do it 100 % right why do it at all, and results in anxiousness and stress if I am unsure if I am doing the right thing or did the right thing in the right way... whatever "right" is.
I have a hard time letting myself be wrong. I struggle with allowing myself to think that my best effort is good enough if my best effort is not perfect. In the back of my mind, I know its silly, I know I shouldn't worry if I've got everything just right, I know we all make mistakes and what is "perfect" really... This is all just much easier said than done.
This is a start to my effort to just share what is on my mind in a more organic way without worrying so much about the perfection of it. I will try to let myself share me. I will do my best to share in all honesty from my heart and mind, even when difficult to share with the world.
Let's see how this goes...